Still Crying Over Spilt Milk?

nb: I wrote this in October of 2008, about a year and a half ago! I haven't changed a single thing of it so its a little unfinished and unedited but I just thought I'd put it up as it was when I wrote it :)

I really feel God has put alot on my heart in recent weeks and so in the next few days I have a few themes I want to run on, things God has put on my heart. In the next few posts I'm going to talk about past, present and future, focusing today on the past. Something everyone has.

Phillipians 3:13-14

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the the goal...

Now I don't know about you, but I seriously beat myself up about everything. I'll say something, regret it and not be able to shake it off all day. Or maybe someone will say something to me and I will take it the wrong way, and I just can't let go. It could be the same day, or even years ago, but I still can't let go, despite how petty it may have been. I'm an incredibly insecure person, so the slightest thing can completely shake me. I do have to have a good laugh about the things that bother me sometimes! I make a choice to hold onto those words.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, I found myself blaming myself. If I hadn't of said this, he would still want to be with me, If I hadn't done this, he would still want to be with me. If I was a nicer person, if I was funnier, if I hadn't said and done ALL these things, if I wasn't such a bore, if I was better looking... I started to believe that I must be a really unworthy and horrible person. I spent long amounts of time picking apart everything he and I said, beating myself up for everything I had done to make him feel this way. This didn't wear off as such, but as I thought about it more, I realised how I had fallen away from God, I had screwed up with my boyfriend emotionally, spiritually and physically and I just felt stupid. I continued to beat myself up for being a pathetic and horrible person that nobody would want to be with.

But the truth is, it just wasn't meant to be. Even if I had said this, done that, not said that, not done this, if it wasn't meant to be, it was never going to be. It wasn't my fault this relationship had failed, and I needed to stop beating myself up, learn from it and press into Gods will for me

We all make mistakes but we all have a choice to either hold on, or to let go, and leave the past well and truely where it should be.

Be wise, Prioritize! ;)

I like to procrastinate. Add on top of that I have recently fallen in love and entered exam year, things have slightly lost focus when it comes to God.

I notice that when I don't give God the time I need to in the day, and lose focus of the fact that he is the center, I begin to pretty quickly get very anxious and panicky. I'm a pretty bad worrier as it is, but when I focus on God I get that peace that comes from knowing Jesus is Lord, and everything is in his hands, so it will work out for the good whatever that is.

'Do not be anxious about anyhing, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus' Phillipians 4:6-7

But sometimes I feel I don't have enough time for God because there is simply so much to worry about! I worry about everything from how things are going to work out with my boyfriend, to how on EARTH I am going to pass Biology, to how I'm going to get down at christmas. I worry about alot of things that are out of my control. I try and fix and figure out things in my head that I really can't foresee atm, so in the end I'm really exhausted, stressed out and unhappy. By trying to figure things out and make things work for myself, I have taken things out of Gods hands.

'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life'

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.'

Someone showed it to me like this, he had a jar full of sand, which represented all the things in our lives, and an orange, which represented Jesus. He tried to put the Orange in the top of the jar, but it just would not fit in, there was too much sand. So he emptied the jar and put the orange in first, poured the sand on top, and every single grain fitted in!

In this passage Jesus isn't saying there wont be things to worry about, there always will be! But God knows exactly what we need, and when we commit our way to him, he will give us our desires, and we're in his hands, hes going to take care of all our needs! So the next time you are worried about something, try giving it to him, and leave it there!

Be still

I haven't posted in months, I've been dealing with some stressful issues in my life and simply haven't been in the right frame of mind, neither am I now, but I find writing these, in the depth of my crap time, helpful. Theres tons of drafts and I hope to post these in the next few weeks, as fits :)

I was planning our youth group meeting, and I came across this youtube video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4e87vIRpds. The same day, my word 4 u 2day passage was all about the verse in Mark 6:31 'Come aside... and rest a while'

How often do we get caught up in the rhythms of life, always too busy, too tired or not in the mood too spend time with God?

We spent an hour, with just quiet christian music on in the background, being still and waiting on gone...5 minutes in I was lying on the ground just soaking up God's prescence. I hadnt done anything but sit, and wait on God, and there he was. By the end I was strengthened just that little bit more, I was feeling at peace. It was just what I needed

You'd be amazed at what God says in the quiet, in the stillness. When your heart is weary and dry he can restore and renew you. Why don't you try it sometime?

'Be still and know that I AM GOD' Pslam 46:10

Keep us from just singing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMoqb6fwX1E

Those of you who know me well know that I really, really want to be a worship leader. It's something I'm passionate about and its somewhere God is leading me. Tim Hughes has hit the nail on the head with this song, 'keep us from just singing... we must go'.

God's heart is for justice. We can see it all through the scriptures.
"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour." - Luke 4:18-19
"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe them and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?' - Isaiah 58 v 6-7

^'What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if people claim to have faith but have no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.'- James 2 v 14-17

I love the song Hosanna by Brooke Fraser and the bridge seems to sum up perfectly the commitment I want to make to God.

Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from Earth to Eternity...

We are on earth to serve, to be God's 'hands and feet' and to see his kingdom come! Its about doing everything we can to spread his love to every corner of the world. We need to knock down the four walls of our churches and get into our towns and cities and schools, and it will spread to the rest of the world.

God is calling his people to go to the last the least and the lost, for some of us that means flying right out to the ends of the earth, or to the third world in Africa, to Asia or America or the capital cities in our home countries. But it starts on your street, with your neighbours, spreading to your schools and work places, villages, towns and cities. What is the need right where you are? What is God calling you to do in this moment?

So lets go out of our comfort zones, lets not just sing the songs in church, proclaim the greatness of our God, and then walk straight past the homeless guy outside our church, ignore the bullied kid at school or spend so much money on expensive clothes and games that there is none left for worthy causes...

Lets open our hearts to what and who God is calling us too.

Lets change the world...

Well look who it is?

Well I've finally got round too it. The question can I really be bothered to keep up with writing a blog? I know I started one on twitter, but I don't think I even wrote one entry! I'm not really even expecting anyone to read this, so I might as well go ahead and fill this blog with all my emotions and thoughts (heck, I'm a girl, I have PLENTY of these). A few months back I moved to Orkney from Cambridge and so I partly created this blog so that if anyone wants too, they can check up on how I'm doing! (After thought: I do apologise for the amount of 'I's there are here. I'm not feeling well and consequently what I have written is dull as watching paint dry!)

The past couple of weeks have been a huge eye-opener for me. I have quite literally cried all day everyday for two weeks, but in the past couple of days something has changed. For one, I haven't cried! In fact, in the past couple of weeks, huge things have changed. God has been doing huge things in me. Just so everything I say makes sense, I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago and I also moved house nearly 3 months ago, so I've been pretty all over the place recently! I've found myself clinging to God with everything within me. Sounds corny, possibly pathetic but I really have been desperate to be closer to him, desperate to be filled, desperate to be restored and renewed, desperate to be changed.

Phillipians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which trescends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ

I've noticed how little time I was spending with God. Picking up some points from Ali's talk at soul survivor this year, I had realised how dry it was getting. Again, using very cheesy expressions! But the more I look at it, the more I realise how dangerously close I was too letting my heart grow hard. As soon as the pain began, I really couldn't deal with it on my own. I knew I had to go back to God and I needed his strength, I needed him to come and change me. I was reading the word 4 u 2day a few days ago and it really re instated what I knew was happening.

'All the while God is telling you, 'Stop it,' and you're saying, 'Yeah, I know. I'm gonna do better.' Then finally a crisis happens and the truth hits you. You need to change.'

Phillipians 3:13 says 'But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead'.

Actually, I just literally found that verse, and that is exactly what I decided to do yesterday. Forget the past, press on into God, press on into his will for my life. (I'll come back to this) There have been so many points in these past few weeks where I have been looking to be satisfied. So many times when I've just been like 'if I flirt with so and so, if I get with so and so, if I do this, if I go to that' and not getting it. I flirted and tried it on with every one (ok, quite a few) lads because I was feeling empty, worthless and desperate to be wanted, and I saw something in my personality that hadn't been there before, something I didn't like, and something I KNEW God wanted to fix. When I did, finally, submit to him, fully. Not just my tearful 'God, please, please, please heal me, please please' (I was pretty desperate) but making a conscious descision in my heart to trust him completely, to trust that he will bring through this, to look to the right things to fulfill my needs, not my own wants.

Isaiah 43:2
'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.'

This is one of my favourite verses, and just notice how it says WHEN, not IF, you pass through the waters. Troubled times are coming, they may already be here for some, but God is there. God will bring you through it. And the best, most amazing part of this verse?

Isaiah 43:4
Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you.

Keeping your heart soft and open to God is going to come with pain, its going to be hurt, but God can do amazing through a heart that is open to him and his will.

I'm tired, feeling ill, need a shower and need to get some biology and maths done, so I'm off for tonight. I also doubt very much that I am making sense and I haven't even started to get onto the point that I wanted to make. Mental note to write more of what I wanted too next time.