Still Crying Over Spilt Milk?

nb: I wrote this in October of 2008, about a year and a half ago! I haven't changed a single thing of it so its a little unfinished and unedited but I just thought I'd put it up as it was when I wrote it :)

I really feel God has put alot on my heart in recent weeks and so in the next few days I have a few themes I want to run on, things God has put on my heart. In the next few posts I'm going to talk about past, present and future, focusing today on the past. Something everyone has.

Phillipians 3:13-14

But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the the goal...

Now I don't know about you, but I seriously beat myself up about everything. I'll say something, regret it and not be able to shake it off all day. Or maybe someone will say something to me and I will take it the wrong way, and I just can't let go. It could be the same day, or even years ago, but I still can't let go, despite how petty it may have been. I'm an incredibly insecure person, so the slightest thing can completely shake me. I do have to have a good laugh about the things that bother me sometimes! I make a choice to hold onto those words.

When my boyfriend broke up with me, I found myself blaming myself. If I hadn't of said this, he would still want to be with me, If I hadn't done this, he would still want to be with me. If I was a nicer person, if I was funnier, if I hadn't said and done ALL these things, if I wasn't such a bore, if I was better looking... I started to believe that I must be a really unworthy and horrible person. I spent long amounts of time picking apart everything he and I said, beating myself up for everything I had done to make him feel this way. This didn't wear off as such, but as I thought about it more, I realised how I had fallen away from God, I had screwed up with my boyfriend emotionally, spiritually and physically and I just felt stupid. I continued to beat myself up for being a pathetic and horrible person that nobody would want to be with.

But the truth is, it just wasn't meant to be. Even if I had said this, done that, not said that, not done this, if it wasn't meant to be, it was never going to be. It wasn't my fault this relationship had failed, and I needed to stop beating myself up, learn from it and press into Gods will for me

We all make mistakes but we all have a choice to either hold on, or to let go, and leave the past well and truely where it should be.